What do you say when someone has cancer?

This is a big question and it can fill people with fear. You find out someone has cancer, maybe its a family member or a friend. What do you say? Do you say anything? Do you completely ignore the 2,000 pound Tyrannosaurus in the room and just hope it goes away? That might seem like the easiest thing in the world to do, but is it helpful? Do you drop your documents and run from the photocopier crying when you see them coming around the corner? That’s probably not the best strategy, but I’ve seen it happen. As a decent human being, how the heck do you handle this?

You see, 30% of us will get a cancer diagnosis at some point in our lives, so at some point, someone you know is going to be dealing with this issue.

Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

elton-john-the-diving-board

As a cancer survivor myself, I have had my share of uncomfortable and yes even hilarious conversations when well meaning folks were trying to talk about something that is tough to talk about. So how do we do it?

Here’s a strategy that works for me.

Wait for a time when you have a modicum of privacy and say something like “Hey, I heard you got some bad news lately.” Then …let them talk. What’s great about this is you haven’t said what the bad news is. This gives them the opportunity to talk about it or not. They might shut it right down by saying “Ya, uh that’s private” or “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” This is totally fine and you should respect that. However, they may want to talk about it. They might say something like “Ya, I just got a diagnosis and I am totally freaked out.” or “Its still early days so we’ll wait and see” They might go into a lot of detail and that might surprise you.

If they are anything like me, they will have a LOT to say. Some of my conversations went like this…

Rob: So, ya, I’ve got surgery scheduled for next week and I think the surgeon is good, but he asked me if he should take out my whole thyroid or just part of it. How am I supposed to make that decision? what do you think?”

Bus Driver: I don’t know sir but you still need to deposit a token.

bus driver

You might hear a river of opinions and worry that have been damned up for a long time. You might hear about doctors, hospital parking, and ultrasounds. You might find yourself in a 20 minute conversation that is remarkably one sided. Here’s how to handle this…

Listen.

That’s right. Listen. Listening is quite honestly one of the greatest gifts you can give someone who is going through cancer. In all likelihood they will be under a tremendous amount of stress. Being able to talk to you might be just the thing they need to feel a bit of relief.

You’ll notice I didn’t say “Listen and offer advice”. Please don’t offer advice unless you have a DR in front of your name. You will really want to because you’re a nice person and you will want to fix it. Listening is enough. Please don’t mention that they should eat more veggies or take raspberry keytone or got to Mexico to take a weird drug or talk to your Uncle Lou who beat cancer by eating only radishes. This will not help. Listening and giving them a safe place to share what they are going through will. You might be the only person in their life who they feel they can talk to. If so, then you are even more important to them than you realize.

They may ask for more kinds of help later and that’s terrific, but when a diagnosis  first happens the best thing you can do is talk less and listen more. If you pull this off, you will be giving them a gift that very few know how to give.

Good on you. I like you already.

listening dog

The Hope For Today Cafe: New Episode! Gather Your Tribe Around You When You Are Sick

One thing is for certain, when we are having a hard time with cancer or any other tough disease we are going to need some help. But who do we get help from? The people we are closest to? Sometimes..and sometimes not.

Every notice when you are sick (or someone you love is sick) that the people you think you can count on are actually different than the folks who help you the most? I know! Its weird right?

How do we deal with that?

Is it OK to ask for help?

Well, I am kind of in love with this episode of The Hope For Today Cafe. In this podcast my good friend Deborah Kimmett and myself wax funny about how to gather your tribe around you when you are sick. Please give it a listen and share!

New Podcast. How To Ask for What You Need

Once again my awesome friend Deb Kimmett and I have come up with a podcast to help folks with this whole “being a patient” thing. We often go through our whole lives trying really hard to be strong and incredibly self reliant. Well, when we (or someone we love) is sick, sometimes it is really important to ask for help! Yes. Ask for help. It might not be in your nature to even think about asking for assistance if you’re having a hard time, but really, think about it. You are probably a generous awesome person who has helped a ton of people in your life without even being aware of it. If that’s the case (and I’m guessing it is) its totally OK to ask for help when the chips are down.

If you had a really good friend or family member who was having a tough time, wouldn’t you want to help them? Of course you would! (Unless, you’re a dick, which you’re not). So, go ahead, let the folks you care about know that you could use a hand. Listen to the podcast to find out more.

Straight on “till Morning.

Hawke out.

 

New Podcast! How To Talk With Your Friends When They Get Sick (and keep your sense of humour)

Here is the latest from The Hope For Today Cafe!  My good friend Deborah Kimmett and I have some thoughts on how to talk to your friends and family when they’re sick and need some support. As usual, we yuck it up a bit.

Hope you are really well wherever and whenever you are!

The Hope For Today Cafe

FullSizeRender (4)Here it is, the official release of The Hope For Today Cafe. My good friend Deborah Kimmet and I put our comedic heads together and came up with a podcast that offers a bit of Hope and Humour for people going through cancer. If you or someone you know is going through a tough time then we made the Hope For Today Cafe for you.

We are going to bring you funny, insightful content that is meant for folks gong through a tough time in their lives.

Its really strange being on a cancer journey.  Sometimes you feel so alone, even if you have great support from family and friends (like I did-thanks family and friends!). The ironic think is even though we feel alone on our journey, there are so many people who are facing similar circumstances and similar challenges. So, Deb and I thought,  “Wait a second! why don’t we create content that is funny and actually deals with the issues that people go through on a journey with cancer? What if we did stuff for caregivers?  What if we ate more steak?”

(OK, that last bit is mine)

We had several cups of coffee, began recording and now we have the first episode of our podcast ready to go. we’d love for you to give it a listen and heck even comment on it. Let us know what you think! Want to hear us cover a topic?  Let us know!

Full steam ahead. Straight on ’till morning.

Kaboom! Let’s Hear it!

You and The Hope for Today Cafe

thehopefor 2 (1)

Have you ever started a project and been really excited about it? Sure you have! Sometimes the stars align and you think, OK, this is going to be good. Well, that is what’s happening for The Hope for Today Café.

My friend Deborah Kimmett and I have started work on a podcast that we think is great. I don’t want to over sell it but I think its going to be the best thing that anyone has ever done ever. (Sorry, I was just channeling Kanye West for a second) We’re going to bring you a bit of hope and humour to help get you through the day.

Let’s face it, If you’re a human (and I’m guessing you are) you may on occasion go through a tough time in your life. Some of you may be saying “Ya, of course Rob, that’s part of the deal”. Well, we are going to do a show based on the idea that we all face a challenge now and then and when we do, it can help a lot to get a boost from a couple of friends. That’s where The Hope for Today Café comes in. Once a week we’ll bring you short episodes packed with energy, hope and discussion about issues that face people going through health challenges and their care givers. We’re going to have shout outs to listeners, special guests and a ton of witty banter to lighten your day.

In fact, we’re already recorded a few and it was so much fun we figured we had to share it with you.

We’re looking forward to your feedback when our first episodes roll out. There is a huge community of courageous people out there and we want to serve you.

Let’s face it, we’re all in this together. We might as well try to help make the journey a bit easier.

Want a sneak peek? You can follow us on Sound Cloud here! The Hope For Today Cafe